Conversation During an (attempted) Interrogation
by YYHfan-KB
Summary: John and Sherlock frustrate a kidnapper to no end by talking nochalantly throughout his failure of an interrogation. Humour, a frustrated kidnapper, and a very amused duo, wanna guess the outcome?
1. Chapter 1

"Well this is uncomfortable."

"It's not nearly as bad as that time I spent in Sumatra."

"You never did tell me that whole story, what was that all about anyway?"

"Let's just say it was unpleasant and leave it at that shall we? I'm sure our kidnapper would not appreciate it if I told that story John."

"It's not that gory is it Sherlock?"

"Oh it's not the gore; it's the fact that the rats I faced were bigger than him."

"Ah, yes well we wouldn't want this fine gentleman fainting in the middle of his interrogation would we?"

"Exactly-"

"Will you two stop yakking and act like proper prisoners?"

"…"

"…"

"Good, now, I want to know where McMillan hid the chest, and I know you two know."

"I'm also reminded of that time we were in Switzerland."

"Oh you mean that time we were outnumbered so badly?"

"Yeah, that was fun, especially when I found that flame thrower in the ware house we were hiding in."

"I remember you scaring them out of their minds John; I also remember that you nearly burnt the whole place down around us playing with that thing."

"What? I like flame throwers, there's nothing wrong with that."

"In moderation, you set fire to an entire ware house."

"So?"

"Argh, and you complain about my experiments."

"It wasn't our house Sherlock."

"Yes but there was no reason to burn it down John, it was a perfectly sound building."

"Just like there was no reason to burn my last watch."

"I told you that was an accident, I really didn't mean to drop it in the fireplace."

"Then why did you keep a record of how long it took to burn?"

"Because I was curious."

"Will you two stop it?!"

"No."

"Nah."

"But you're my prisoners! Shouldn't you be at least a little bit afraid of what's going to happen to you?"

"You aren't a very scary man, wouldn't you agree Sherlock?"

"Most certainly, he's nothing more than a stupid idiot who thought he could intimidate us."

"Hey! I'm not an idiot!"

"Yes you are, you kidnapped us."

"But I've got you two tied up in chairs that I specially chained to the floor!"

"Still not scary."

"Well how often do you get kidnapped? Surely that by itself is scary even if I'm not?"

"Not really, what is this now Sherlock, fifth time this month?"

"Sixth, don't forget the bit with the Orion gang."

"Oh yeah, I forgot about them, but they were pushovers."

"Yes they were a bunch of weak willed idiots who couldn't handle actually getting their hands dirty."

"Sixth time this _month_?"

"Yeah, Sherlock and I get kidnapped pretty often; it does terrible things to our insurance policies."

"Speaking of which we got another notice yesterday about our rates going up again John, I'm thinking about switching us both to something different if that's all the same to you."

"Fine by me, just find something within my budget ok?"

"I told you before I'll pay the premium, money is not the issue."

"Oh great now you two are talking about insurance policies."

"I'm not letting you pay for my insurance Sherlock, I can do it myself."

"But John, if you didn't worry about the bills and so on you could quit your job which you're never really at anyways, and join me working on cases more permanently."

"I'd go nuts Sherlock, especially during a dry spell."

"But John…"

"No Sherlock."

"Alright you two, let me give you an ultimatum: one of you will die unless you tell me where McMillan buried that chest."

"…"

"…"

"Oh now you're both at a loss for words? All bark and no bite eh?"

"Actually I was just thinking how stupid you are to jump straight to threatening us with death."

"I agree John, that is one of the worst tactical errors possible when holding someone hostage for information."

"I give up, I'll be back in an hour, have your answer ready or else."

"…"

"…"

* * *

**A/N:** Another Conversation fic, I'm not sure how long this one is going to be, hopefully longer than the last one but probablynot by much.

Enjoy,

^_^ KB


	2. Chapter 2

"Well Sherlock, what now? He's gone for the moment and we've probably got enough time to get loose."

"Then lets get loose and wait for him to come back."

"Why?"

"Because I want to see his expression when he realizes that we aren't 'captives' anymore."

"So basically we're going to torment the poor man."

"Exactly, want a hand with that last knot around your ankle?"

"I can handle it Sherlock."

"If you're sure."

"I am."

"Say John, could I sit in front of you?"

"Why?"

"So you can pet my head and freak him out even more."

"Hmm, alright."

*shuffling commences as both men find a comfortable, 'notchalant' position to sit in*

"Sherlock, should we tell him the truth about the chest McMillan hid?"

"Nope, not for a little while anyways."

"I almost feel sorry for the man, what was his name?"

"I think its Rex or Charlie or something like that."

"Yeah well whoever he is I feel bad that he chose to kidnap us, I mean honestly, he's got no chance of intimidating us."

"True John, although he's been pretty decent about it. Unlike that mobster last month."

"Yes but you ticked him off Sherlock, this guy just wants to know where McMillan put the chest."

"Well..."

"Although I've got to admit, he's not very good at kidnapping people."

"Oh I'd say that most people would be terrified,"

"But we aren't most people are we Sherlock?"

"No, we're not."

"..."

"..."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **This chapter is in a regular format folks, its not just conversation. (p.s. I'd like to thank everyone who's reviewed, favorited, or followed this story, it means a lot to me.)

* * *

Ernie Beolofughst had, at one point in time not too long ago, been a pretty good guy. His neighbors if asked would describe him as a quiet gentleman who would always nod and smile as he went past. Ernie was in his mid twenties when a buddy of his sold him on a crazy, get-rich-quick scheme.

His pal, McMillan, convinced Ernie to help him with a jewel heist he had planned, all Ernie had to do was act as a lookout for his pal when the time came and make sure nobody interrupted their little crime. Unfortunately for Ernie the police showed up at the wrong time, took one look at Ernie and threw him in the slammer.

Ernie didn't sell out McMillan because they were childhood pals, but when he got out after serving his sentence he found out McMillan had died in an 'accidental' car accident.

In McMillan's will there had been a letter addressed to Ernie but it hadn't been delievered because of a mix-up, and so Ernie was left chasing down the elusive treasure while trying not to be to conspicuous about it.

Much to Ernie's dismay McMillan's daughter had asked Sherlock Holmes to investigate her father's suspicious death. Now Ernie had to either give up on the treasure that he had paid so dearly for or kidnap Sherlock Holmes and his sidekick Dr. Watson.

Ernie was nervous about kidnapping two people but he knew that he couldn't just take one, he'd heard enough stories to know that wherever one was the other wasn't far behind.

Unfortunately his captives were a pair of unconcerned, over-critical, nut jobs. Honestly, the two of them sat there tied up acting like being kidnapped was an everyday thing.

And according to them it was a monthly occurance at the least. Ernie shuddered, these two were almost scary with how calm they were. He was perched on a rickety camp stool outside the little room he had locked them into.

"Why can't they behave like proper prisoners?" He sighed, "I can't believe how often they just talk over me."

Ernie knew one thing though, he was going to find that treasure, even if it meant he had to stain his hands red.


	4. Chapter 4

"What the-how did you two get untied?"

"It was child's play, we're so used to it by now that both of us have become rather excellent at getting out of knots, handcuffs, zip ties, and barbed wire, isn't that right John?"

"Mhmm? Oh, yeah, sorry I fell asleep, thought you were never going to come back."

*big yawn*

"You two are nuts!"

"No, we aren't nuts, Sherlock may be a sociopath but I'm just a normal bloke who lives with him and helps him with things occasionally."

"But you're sitting there like you don't have a care in the world!"

"There's no crime against that."

"But I've got a gun!"

"Yes, but we've seen so many gunmen over the past few years that we can tell when someone is actually prepared to shoot and when they aren't."

"John's right, and you most certainly aren't the type to harm anyone."

"I..."

"It's ok mate, we honestly wouldn't mind just about any other time but we've had a rough few nights lately what with the last serial killer we've been chasing. I mean, while Sherlock may not seem human sometimes we both are rather human and have rather human needs such as a the need for food and sleep."

"What do you mean it's ok?!"

"Well you aren't a bad guy and on any other day we would have played along with your plans for a while but to be perfectly honest both of us are dead tired, even in Sherlock won't admit it."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Sherlock, tell him what he wants and lets go home."

"But John, I wanted to play with him a bit longer."

"No Sherlock, give the poor man his information and then let's go home, I for one am ready for bed."

"Fine, although I do hate to disillusion the poor man."

"Sherlock."

"Fine."

"Well, where is it?"

"It's nowhere."

"...What do you mean 'it's nowhere'?"

"I literally mean that the chest which McMillan hid is gone, it was totally destroyed."

"You're pulling my leg."

"Nope, I promise you I'm not."

"..."

"Well, shall we head home John?"

"Might as well, no reason to stick around here."

"Wait just a minute! You're lying, I know you are and if you don't tell me the truth I'm going to shoot Dr. Watson."

"I'm telling you the truth, and if you do pull that trigger I hope you're ready to die because I _will_ kill you."

*the temperature in the room seemed to drop as Sherlock spoke, and Ernie could feel the hair on the back of his neck stand straight up*

"Never mind."

"Good, now lets go home John."

* * *

**A/N: **Should I continue or leave it at that? :) Up to the readers to decide I guess, leave me a review.

^_^ KB


	5. Epilogue

"Want a cuppa Sherlock?"

"Sounds good."

"You know, I almost feel sorry for that fellow."

"Why? He was a pathetic idiot."

"Exactly."

"Oh..."

"I have to admit though if he thought either of us felt even remotely threatened then he really didn't do his homework."

"Of course he didn't John, the man had just gotten out of prison, he probably hadn't heard about us."

"True, the look on his face when he realized that we weren't tied up was priceless wasn't it?"

"Mhmm, yes it was, so was when I told him the box was gone."

"..."

"..."

"I hate to say it but I'm getting used to being kidnapped."

"Hazard of living with me."

"I noticed, tea?"

"Mhmm."

"..."

*tea cups clink*

"..."

"John, when is Miss McMillan coming to pick up her fathers treasure box?"

"I think she said sometime tomorrow morning."

"Right, I'll keep it in my room under my bed until she comes for it."

"Sounds good to me."

"You know that fellow really believed me when I said that the chest was gone, I almost felt bad decieving him like that."

"Really?"

"Mhmm, no, not really."

"I didn't think so."

"..."

"Did you look in it?"

"What, the chest?"

"No the beehive Sherlock, honestly."

"No need to get snappy, I picked the lock and all I found was a stack of old letters."

"Oh, well, if nothing else it would make an interesting read."

"Highly unlikely John, they were just pointless romantic drivel."

"Pointless to you maybe, but to some they might be interesting."

"Hmph."

"..."

"..."

"I'm going to bed, night Sherlock, remember: no playing violin at three a.m. alright? And do try to get some sleep, you need it just as badly as I do."

"Yes John, goodnight."

"..."

"..."

* * *

**A/N: **I believe I'll stop there before I start feeling too bad for Ernie and want to go back and change things, thanks for the reviews & follows. Keep an eye out for my next fic, it's probably going to involve a bank heist.

^_^ KB


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